Never To Be
by DrAutumn123
Summary: "When can I see you again?" Rose's infamous question on that dreaded beach. What if the Doctor's answer was different? What if, every six months, he could project his image to the beach? Would Rose go to Norway every six months to see him? How would the Doctor react to seeing Rose every six months, for the rest of her human life? What about when that life ends in front of him?


**NEVER TO BE**

"When can I see you again?" She asked with tears in her eyes and voice. She was standing in the middle of a beach, named for her timely self, and saying goodbye forever to the man she loved. She knew she could never see him again but her faith in him was so strong that she held on the small shred of hope that he would find a solution. But he wouldn't be here saying goodbye if he could find a way to get to her.

His form wavered as he said sadly, "Not for six months. That's the next time I can open this wavelength and reach you. I'll only ever be able to do it every six months, and only for a few minutes." Tears fell freely down her face and she raised her hand to touch his face before remembering she couldn't. He was only an image. "Doctor, I love you." She said. She had wanted to say that for two years and she supposed if she was only going to see him twice a year for the rest of her life… "_Not now Rose," _she told herself. _"Don't let him see you break. It will only hurt him."_ "Quite right, too. I suppose, if it's my last chance to say it for a while, Rose Tyler, I…" And his image faded.

Finally, with him gone, she allowed herself to break down. She fell to her knees in the sand and wept.

Six months later, at the same place, she waited for his image to appear. At exactly the same time as before, he came into view. She smiled and fought against the tears that were brimming in her eyes. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't let him see.

"Rose! How are you?" He asked, chipper as ever. She knew it was a façade but she didn't care. She was so happy, and yet so very sad at the same time, to see him. "Oh, I'm alright Doctor. I'm always alright." His smile faltered a little to hear her use his old saying. It broke his hearts to see his precious girl hurting so badly and not even being able to stay long enough to comfort her with the only thing he could give her: his words.

"How's traveling, Doctor?" "Great! Got myself a new companion, her name is Martha." He made a face. "She's sleeping. You humans, always wasting your lives away sleeping!" She kept her face impassive, a trick she had perfected over the last year she had spent here. "That's wonderful, Doctor. I'm so glad you aren't alone..." _even if it means replacing me._ Her voice cracked a little at the end but he didn't let on that he noticed. She had been so worried about him being alone. "What about you? How's Torchwood?" She shrugged. "It's alright. I've already been promoted a dozen times. I've got the experience, yeah?" He laughed humorlessly. "Yes, you do." He was fading, slower than the first time but she knew she only had a few seconds. "I love you, Doctor." She called to him as he faded. He smiled and then he was gone.

It went this way for forty years. Every six months, Rose Tyler made the trip to Bad Wolf Bay in Norway to see her precious Doctor. He changed companions from Martha to Donna, and then traveled alone. She never commented on that, though it hurt her to see him alone. She never told him how often she turned down missions so she could be here to see him. She never showed how much she hated life, especially once her mother, her only connection to her original world, died. She never showed how sad she was and how much she missed him, or that the pain of their separation had never ebbed. And he never asked. Neither of them ever missed a visit in forty years though.

She told him at the end of every visit, as he was fading, that she loved him. The one time she missed it she cried for weeks and the next time she saw him she tried to hug him. Her fingers had slipped right through his form, and she swore that she had seen a trickle of a tear roll down his cheek. That was the only time she ever tried to touch him.

He watched as she went from being the young, beautiful twenty year old he left behind to a woman. He watched her age and it made him so sad to see her limp across the beach, eventually using a cane, and then a walker. The first time he saw her with gray hair, he asked the question he had been avoiding for years.

"Rose, did you ever get married?" He interrupted her telling him of her latest promotion- to a desk job. She smiled sadly and nodded. "Once." He smiled but on the inside, his hearts broke. "It was on a little planet called Yareg, and the most wonderful man in all the universes and I accidently got married by one of the confusing rituals there." His jaw dropped. That had happened during their first year traveling together, just after he had regenerated. They had accidently busted in on a group wedding and according to a Yareg tradition, they had gotten married that day.

He began to fade before he could ask questions and with a small smile, and one tear fell from her dulling eyes, surrounded by wrinkles, and rolled down her cheek. "I love you, Doctor. Always have, always will."

For the next fifteen years he watched her grow older and eventually have to retire from Torchwood. He could see the frustration in her eyes when she couldn't even run to meet him like she used to. She could barely walk sometimes, and always used a cane. Oh, his precious girl was still beautiful though. Her eyes still shone with eagerness and adventure but they were so sad. She was in her eighties now and he knew he wouldn't have even these short visits anymore. They were his only reasons for continuing. The only reason he kept going was because he knew that those few short minutes of seeing Rose would make the past few months worth it. But god, did he miss having her with him. He could still remember in exact detail her young face. Her room on the TARDIS was still untouched and he could hardly sleep without dreaming of her. He had never told her but sometimes he missed her so much he took her old clothes and things and fell asleep clutching them and crying. He had given up on traveling with companions because they never even came close to filling the hole his pink and yellow girl had left. Now, as he watched her, so feeble, was the closest he had ever come to telling her how much she still meant to him.

Two years later, he showed up for their second visit of the year. When he came into view, he was determined to tell her. He had been doing practically nothing the past six months but building up the courage to tell her. But, when he saw her, his words stuck in his throat. "Rose…" he finally chocked out. "Doctor," She whispered. She was sitting in a wheelchair that was half buried in the sand. She had an oxygen hose in her nose and blankets wrapped around her. She had large glasses perched on her nose and her hair, once so beautifully golden, was pure white. How had he not noticed she had gotten this bad?

"You missed a couple Doctor." She said quietly. "I was beginning to wonder if you were coming back." "No! I didn't! It's been six months! Six months…" He pulled at his hair in vain. How much of her precious life had he missed?! She shook her head and he was afraid her fragile neck would break. "It's been two years." He fell to his knees in despair. How much longer did he have left? She cleared her throat, not wanting to lose time. "Doctor, I'm dying. I'm old. The doctors say I should have been gone months ago, but I was holding out to see you again. I had to tell you one last time how much you mean to me. I love you, Doctor. I've always loved you. You gave my life a purpose, and you gave me adventure. Thank you." With that she sighed in relief. She could go in peace now. She took the oxygen out of her nose. She wanted to smell the sea one last time before she died. She wanted to go here, the last place she saw her wonderful love. She turned and looked him straight in the eyes. He was frozen, tears were streaming down his face and he was screaming silently. "One more thing…my love…" she struggled for air now. "Don't be alone…don't ever be alone…" She felt her heart shudder and she locked eyes with him. Her last image would be of him, she was determined. She took her last breath and smiled.

"No!" The Doctor screamed so loudly the TARDIS shook. The image cut off as she had taken her last breath. He wouldn't even be there to hold her as she died. "It's not fair!" He screamed through the flood of tears that were pouring down his face. Within seconds though, he went from sad to angry. He felt the Oncoming Storm being surpassed in his grief and anger. He wasn't just coming now. The Storm was here. He jumped to his feet and violently threw down levers on the TARDIS console. He pushed buttons in furious abandon. "I don't care about the universe!" He screamed at the TARDIS, who was trying to get him to stop. "I don't care! They can all die! What are they, without her?" He ripped through the vortex, tearing a huge hole in the fabric of reality. But he didn't care. He just had to hold her one last time.

He landed just a few feet from her. He could see the outline of his fading image on her other side and he prayed to every deity in every religion in the cosmos that he wasn't too late. He ran from the TARDIS to her side and gently scooped her up in his arms. "Rose, Rose, precious girl." He sobbed. He held her tight and rocked her body back and forth. For the first time in his very long life, he didn't feel the universe around him move. He didn't feel time. He didn't feel anything. He just cried and held his no longer pink or yellow girl to his chest. "I love you, I love you, I love you…"

Not even the TARDIS knew how long he stayed there, cradling her to his chest, but she was focused on the universe around them. Her Thief hadn't cared in his grief about the damage he might cause, but she did. She worked to repair the hole and leave them a way out. She had tried for years from the other side, but the energy was different over here. It only took her a few hours to recalibrate and to set the universes back to order. She could travel between them now and she only wished she had done this the first time they had came here, and maybe this wouldn't be happening.

She felt her Thief's grief and tried to reach out and comfort him but his mind was blocked off. But someone else's wasn't. In Rose's mind, still lingering, was the faintest trace of the Time Vortex, just a small piece of the big Bad Wolf, still in her head. The TARDIS almost leapt with joy. She focused all her energy on that one, small piece of her and sent out a thread…

The Doctor was inconsolable. He rocked back and forth, long after Rose had gone cold and he didn't have the strength to get up. He didn't even have the strength to think. It just hurt so badly. He let everything go numb around him, except for the feeling of his no longer pink or yellow girl in his arms after so long without her. He ignored the TARDIS's pleas in favor of lying down in the sand and pulling Rose's body to his chest. He closed his eyes and let his exhaustion take him.

He didn't know how much later it was when he woke up. All he could feel was the cold of the sand and the cold of Rose's body in his arms. But he had cried his last. He was determined to take her home, her proper home, in the TARDIS, and bury her in her favorite garden. Then, he would take the TARDIS to his final resting place. Trenzelore. He would lie down besides his precious girl and let time take him. Lord knows that it was time. He had had so much time and all he wanted now was to rest, with Rose.

He stood and gently lifted her into his arms. He felt another surge of pain race through him as he remembered all the times he had carried her like this to her room after she had fallen asleep, worn out from their adventures. He remembered all the times he dreamt he would take her in his arms like this and whisk her away to his room and love her for hours. He shut down the memories. He was on a mission. It would all be over soon.

As soon as he entered the TARDIS, he felt her reach out to reconnect with him. He opened up his mind to her with the express thought that his mind would not be changed. She groaned in mourning of her Wolf. Or at least, that's what the Doctor thought.

In reality, she was groaning over his stupidity. "Take her to the med bay idiot!" She screamed at him. He nodded. He could park his ship one last time before attending to Rose. He walked down the hall to where the TARDIS had conveniently located the med bay. He set her body down on the table closest to the door and stroked her soft, white hair. Placing a kiss on her forehead, he turned and left to steer his wonderful ship one last time.

As soon as the Doctor was gone, the TARDIS when to work.

He walked mournfully through the halls of his ship one last time. In his mind, he saw each of his regenerations paying their last tributes to their Rose.

One respectfully bowed his head and leaned heavily on his cane, as the weight of his grief made it harder to stand. His white hair, matching Rose's now, hung limply in his face and he made no motion to move it. Two played a song of mourning on his flute and when he finished he simply stood and let the tears fall silently down his face. Three stared off in the distance with tears in his eyes and on his cheeks. He leaned heavily against the door of his beloved Bessie, who herself (though herself a non-sentient earth car) seemed to mourn with him. Four took of his hat and held it to his chest, his long scarf and wistfully happy eyes no longer colorful and vibrant, but dark and mournful. He reached into his pockets and pulled out his bag of jelly babies. He threw them. Five took off his hat and laid his celery on her grave, which he had already dug in his mind. Six laid his patchwork coat over the mound of dirt, as if to keep her warm. The question marks on Seven's suit changed into Gallifreyen symbols of mourning. Eight had his eyes tightly shut and was shaking in righteous fury. He threw back his hair, his long hair that Rose had once teased him on after seeing a picture, falling back as he screamed his pain to the universe.

Nine, the man that she had changed so much, the man she had taken and fixed, molded from a broken man into the man he is now, was on his knees in grief. His head was on his knees and he was clutching it and pulling at his short hair. He was screaming and crying in hundreds of languages, cursing himself for taking her from her life, for falling in love with her, cursing Gallifrey, cursing the universe itself for taking his precious, precious pink and yellow girl.

Ten entered the console room and closed his eyes against the onslaught of memories. He saw all his companions, from Susan, young and innocent, to Donna and the exact moment he had to leave her behind. But mostly, like always, he saw Rose. Rose laughing, Rose crying, Rose handing him tools and tea and smiling manically as he taught her to fly the TARDIS. Rose falling asleep in the jump seat, staying up for hours just to keep him company. Rose reading, sprawled out on the floor with a book, just inches from him as he worked on the TARDIS. So close he could have reached out and touched her…but he didn't. He slammed his hands down on the console and broke away from the memories. He focused just on one. Rose, smiling and holding his hand the day they met. Her eyes full of trust and youth, before he took all her innocence away from her, because he selfishly couldn't be without her from the moment they met.

In the med bay, the TARDIS was using all of her energy to try and awaken that small part of the Bad Wolf still in Rose. She knew that if she could only touch it, make it aware, it would realize that its host was gone and bring her back. And make it that the host wouldn't die again. The TARDIS knew that the Bad Wolf was smart like that. She summoned every bit of strength she had and called to her Wolf, her Valiant Child, her Thief's savior, and finally, she awoke. The TARDIS would have hollered in joy if she weren't so focused. She took the now awake Bad Wolf and pulled with all her strength. She pulled the Wolf to the forefront of Rose's mind and mad her see that Rose was gone. The Bad Wolf realized that Rose was departed immediately and howled. The Wolf howled so loudly that its echoes were heard clear across the Time and Space continuum. The High Council of Gallifrey heard it in the War Room during the last days of the Time War and shuddered. The Old Ones heard it back at the dawn of time and it awakened them. The Ood heard it deep within their collective mind and began to sing. The Master heard it somewhere in his deranged mind and for a moment, all was clear.

And most importantly, the spirit of Rose Tyler heard it.

The Wolf howled and its echoes bounced off her spirit that was hovering, unaware inside her body. She then latched on with her fangs and dragged her back to her body. Her body was old and wouldn't support her spirit any longer, the Wolf realized. So what did the Wolf do?

She tore. She ripped. She clawed Rose's old body away to reveal a new, young body underneath. She shredded the old skin away and brought forth new, pink skin. She licked her face and hair and brought back their youthful appearance and flooded her white hair and cataract eyes with color. As the Bad Wolf's golden light encased Rose's frail body and made her strong again, she added what she knew Rose would need. A second heart, a vast mind that held all the Bad Wolf's knowledge, twelve regenerations…

Rose was waking up. The Bad Wolf looked over her new host and felt proud. Before she receded back into the recesses of Rose's mind, she took the time to visit the Doctor. She reached out and tentatively nudged his mind, like a dog would nudge their human with a wet nose. She sensed his sadness and entered the thought in his mind to go back to the med bay. As he walked, she made sure that her host would have her mate for the duration of her life. She gave the Doctor ten more regenerations, bringing his total back up to twelve that he had left. Satisfied with her work, she raced ahead to Rose's mind and went back to sleep, feeling very hopeful.

The Doctor didn't know why he was headed back to the med bay. He just knew his feet were taking him there. He didn't particularly want to see her body again before he buried it, but he couldn't be without her in the moment. He was drawn to her, as he had been every moment when she had been away before. He opened the door and lifted his head.

"Doctor?" The Doctor stopped dead in his tracks. He was hallucinating, he knew it. He fell to his knees and clutched his head, like he had seen his ninth self do, not too long ago, in his head. He shook his head back and forth and tears fell from his eyes like a fountain. He didn't even try to stop them. "Doctor! Oh my god, Doctor!" He heard feet hit the floor and felt a presence above him. Soft but strong arms wrapped around him and clutched at him desperately. "Doctor, Doctor, my Doctor…" He felt hands smoothing his hair and he took a deep breath. Better to get the hallucination over with. It will all be over soon anyway.

He looked up and opened his eyes. Chocolate brown eyes met eyes the color of whiskey and tears flowed from both sets. "R-Rose?" The Doctor breathed. He raised his arm and slowly reached out. He hesitated just before his fingers touched her golden hair. She reached up one hand and grasped his, moving it to touch her face. "Doctor, I'm here." She whispered. "How?" The Doctor didn't care how. He was touching her. He was actually holding her. After all these years, she was right here in front of him, young and _alive_ again. And she wasn't close enough.

With a strangled noise in the back of his throat, he reached out with is other arm and wrapped it around her waist. He pulled her roughly against him until every inch of their bodies were touching. He kept his arm pulled tightly against the small of her back, not giving her a centimeter to move away from him. With the hand that was touching her, he stroked her face and hair, settling it at the base of her neck. _"Rose." _He growled. They still weren't close enough!

Using the hand that was at the base of her neck, he drew her closer, until their lips were almost touching. And he stopped. He hesitated, trying to remember why he hadn't just done this years ago. Her breath intermingled with his and he tasted the spice scent that was purely Rose Tyler. He couldn't stand it anymore. He moved forward those last few millimeters and touched their lips together fiercely. They met with bruising force, his lips seeking to dominate, to claim, to possess her. He forced her mouth open with his tongue and dipped it into her warm mouth. She moaned out loud and kissed him back just as eager. Their tongues danced together and hands roamed each others' bodies.

When he finally pulled away from her mouth, it was only to latch onto her neck. He kissed at her pulse point and was amazed to find that she had a rapid, double pulse. "Rose!" He exclaimed. "You have two hearts." She forced herself to open her eyes, which had at that point been closed in pleasure. "So do you, Doctor." She said cheekily. "You're a Time Lord!" "It would seem." She said tugging at his tie, trying to pull him back to her. "Can we worry about that later?" She asked as she tried to pull him back. He moved to protest but the moment his eyes locked with hers he gave in. He had just missed her so much. A single tear fell down his face and he touched her tentatively again, all ferocity gone. He touched their foreheads together and whispered to her. "I can't believe you're here." He said. "You can't believe it? I was dead!" Rose laughed. The Doctor didn't find that funny and pulled her against him with crushing force. "How are you here?" He whispered. "Bad Wolf." Rose replied.

"The TARDIS sensed her inside of me and woke her. She did the rest." "Bad Wolf," He whispered reverently. "Bad Wolf, Bad Wolf, Bad Wolf, after all this time." He kissed his precious girl softly on the lips and rested his forehead against hers.

"Of course, Doctor. I promised you _forever_ and I intend to keep that promise_."_

The TARDIS hummed in happiness and around them, the universe began to turn again.


End file.
